John Thomas Luff - my dad Jack

 I started this blog on January 7, 2023, and I haven't shared too many positive things about my dad.  Let's get into it. The day of my mom's funeral, when dad was crying in his garage apologizing for everything he had done to my mom, it was almost a rebirth of our relationship.  From that day forward he visited me more in Maryland and I would make more trips to Delaware to see him.  Although we never spoke about my childhood, I knew he was sorry and that was good enough for me.  

My dad was born to an alcoholic father and his mother died when he was a young child.  He had 4 sisters that I was aware of and he was particularly close to his sister Ethel. He had foster parents and I believe he lived with them from his early teens through adulthood.  His foster parents had money and treated him well. He took me to visit his foster mother quite regularly and I really admired her.  She was very proper and successful and you could tell she was smart. My dad served in the U.S. Air Force in Japan from 1958-1961.  My dad was a ladies' man for sure and he had a thing for Asian women, all women really but he REALLY liked Japanese and Chinese women.  He had a crush on the Journalist, Connie Chung when I was growing up.  I always wonder if I have any siblings out there I don't know about.      

My dad loved me, I know he did.  Even as a young child when he would sober up and apologize day after day, I knew he did not like who he was. I felt sorry for him and I would pray for God to fix him.  All of those years of spoiling me after he sobered up were good years for the most part.  He tried to be fun and "hip" as he would call it.  He always told me he loved me, always. He called me "Baby Sis".  He loved cars and raced Stock cars in the early years, probably while he was drunk. His car was named "Baby Sis".  I think in his mind his whole world revolved around me. I know I was the motivating factor for him to become sober. I think he saw the toll it was taking on me and mom and he finally said enough is enough. 

When dad left us for the other woman it didn't take long for them to get married.  She had two grown kids.  We were not a very functional blended family, that is for sure.  She was jealous of the relationship dad and I shared.  I know it was not easy for him and it stressed him out a lot that we did not get along. Sean and I were living back on the East Coast so it made it easy for us to visit.  We built our first home in our early twenties and dad was so proud.  He would come over and say, Sean, you need a motion light here, Sean you need to fix this board on the deck here, he loved helping out and making sure everything was just right. My dad was self-employed for more than 25 years until he had to retire due to his health.  He had Emphysema pretty bad from smoking those Pall Mall's all of those years.  It was hard for my dad to sit still even when he could barely breathe.

My dad loved my husband, Sean. Sean is half Filipino and my dad would call him a rice paddy all of the time when we were dating.  Sean told me he didn't like it so I made the mistake of telling my dad. My dad said it ten times more just to aggravate Sean.  Politically correct, my dad was NOT!  Sean spent so much time with my dad, working in the garage, fishing, and just being Bros!  I loved their relationship.  It made my heart happy.  

On March 5, 2000, I was at home in Maryland and Sean had left to pick up some things at the grocery store.  My dad's wife calls me and tells me that she had to call an ambulance for my dad because he started convulsing while eating his lunch.  We didn't have cell phones back then so I had to call the grocery store directly for Sean.  He came home and we made the two-and-a-half-hour drive to Delaware and went directly to the hospital.  I remember walking up to the entrance of the hospital and my sister-in-law was walking towards me, she says, Jackie, your dad passed away. I remember crumbling to the ground like my legs were nonexistent and I just cried and cried. I got myself together and went in to see him.  He was still warm. It was heart-shattering. My dad passed away 6 years after my mom.  The following year Sean's dad passes away from cancer.  Those were some dark days for us but we made it through together. 

Looking back on it all I can say I am a survivor. I saw things as a child that I never should have.  And while I believe it is important to talk about those things to the person who put you through it so you can have peace, be free and speak your truth, I never had that with my dad.  I knew he was sorry. I knew he missed the life he had with my mom, I know he loved me and would have done better a lot earlier in my childhood if he knew how.  I am not bitter, I am not angry. I admire his strength for quitting alcohol cold turkey, starting and maintaining a very successful business from the ground up, and calling and making those trips to Maryland to be sure Sean, myself, and my house were good.  I am choosing happiness over sadness, forgiveness over blame, love instead of hate because I deserve that.  I deserve to be free from all of that sadness and pain. I choose to Be BOLD and live this life my way without bearing the weight of my childhood and past.  We all deserve to be Free!  Free of all of the things that try to weigh us down and stifle our growth.  I hope you are at a place where you are living FREE of all of those things that were meant to destroy you.  I hope you choose YOU every single day.  If you are not, it is time to make some changes.  Be BOLD my friends!  We have got this, together.       

My dad in the early Air Force days. 

I think I may have been 5 or 6 here. Dad was drinking at this point.